Flat Sold And I have Moved…

 It has been too long.  But a lot has happened since I last wrote.   The time line goes sort of something like this…

• summer 2016 – refurbish flat,
• October 2016 – flat goes on market,
• between October and February 107, – we knock a few grand of the price,
• end of February 2017 – flat is sold STC.  Yay!!!

After the flat was taken off the market, I thought, it’s a first time buyer taking my flat, I am not buying another property (dont want to be tied into anything right now), so really it should all be sorted by end of April max.  Wrong!

I wish I could tell you what took so long, I prefer to blame my solicitor (infrequent updates, appearing to leave things to the last minute, paying everyone else before he paid me, grrrrr…).  He prefers to blame the buyer’s solicitor.   Did I also mention that after all the searches I only had two weeks notice to move.my.entire.life?!

Two weeks to change addresses, cut all the bills, figure out where to live, what am I going to do about the upcoming surgery in August etc etc etc.

I don’t know how it all worked out but it did but for the grace of God.

I had to tell my boss I was moving to the outskirts of London so could only work 4 days from home and come in once a week.  He agreed.  It was either he agreed or I…

Nine days before moving I got all my stuff out of storage and moved most of it to my new digs.   My new digs is staying with the Young Lawyer in her her house.

And then the last week leading to the big move out was spent sleeping on a blow up bed/air mattress in my living room, surrounded by the last remaining few boxes, and lots of rubbish and recycling to get rid off.  I noticed I was getting more sleep as well – probably shattered from the lack of sleep in the weeks leading up to.

It was weird because everyday was a count down e.g. Tuesday is not just Tuesday anymore.  Tuesday is now 3 days until I move out followed by a list of things to tick off the to-do list.

I had the Thursday and Friday off work and finally on Friday afternoon, I said good bye to my flat after 8 years, 6 months and 13 days.  Was I sad? Any regret?

Nope.  Not one iota.  It was difficult to leave the house, I kept double checking everything.  Have I switched everything off, did I leave anything behind etc but aside from that no regrets, no looking back.

I said goodbye to a couple of people and then drove to my new abode in London.

At 30 something years, my life has changed again.   But, this working from home is certainly the good life.

My Flat Is Sold…STC

 Yes, you read that right.  Flat (as of almost two weeks ago) is SOLD…STC (subject to contract).  Whatever.  I choose to believe it is sold.  If I had my way, it would have been sold in December but alas, all things work together and all that.  It sold on the lower side of my asking price but, I’ve lived in the flat long enough that it sold for £100k more than I bought it for.  Not bad at all.

I just want the actual sale process to go quickly now so that I can hand in my notice at work, get rid of all the stuff I dont want and travel!  Somewhere in between all of that, I also need to have surgery to get rid of this lump/benign tumour on my jaw.  But, plan for the next couple of months is to tie up the loose ends, then move to Ghana for about 6 months, possibly longer, to stay with Privileged Princess.  She’s got a massive house out there and I will need somewhere to stay where I wont have to pay any rent.  What’s the plan when i get there?  Hmmmm, pray a lot, write a lot, explore the country, volunteer/work/start a business and of course look after my general well being.

When I had all that time off in December and was in London and New York, I just felt a release and freedom like never before and.i.can’t.wait!

I’ll keep you posted. 🙂

How Was January For You…?

So, tomorrow is the last day of January.   How has the first month of 2017 been for you?  For me, the first half was pretty much awful and I had a tooth removed, urgh!

But then there were bright moments – my birthday and celebrating it with wonderful friends, the sibling and Kenzie. For the first time ever, I had zero plans for my birthday, just wanted the day to pass quietly.  But the sibling and Kenzie had other plans.  They invited friends around, Kenzie made a delicious dinner and birthday cake for me.   Amazing gifts from the Young Lawyer and just a good time.  I could not have planned anything better had I tried.

Flat is still not sold but we did get an offer in – we wanted a bit more, they wanted to pay less and alas it did not quite work out but…I know the flat is going to be sold soon.

Another January development, I’ve decided to have surgery on the lump on my neck.  It has been two years now of extreme embarrassment, constantly wondering if everyone is staring at it, strategic poses for photos so the lump is hidden, and the awkward question of “what’s that on your neck“.   I went to see the doctor and when I showed her the lump she was all “wow“.  Gee thanks doc, makes me feel better.  Anyway, hoping to have the surgery soon.

To round off the month there was the amazing tennis.  Venus, Serena, Federer, Nadal.  A bible scripture comes to mind “the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong…“.

Here’s to February.

2016 – A Challenging Year…

 Judging by the looks of things, after yet another celebrity death (still reeling from George Michael), I am not the only one that had a rough 2016.  For me, one of the worst years of my life and I say that without the slightest hint of hyperbole.  My memory of this year, pretty much from beginning to end has been feeling abandoned, forgotten about, isolated.  Often on the verge of tears, desperately holding back tears or when it’s too tough to hold back my emotions, crying.  There were a number of disappointments, lost hopes, unexplained happenings, health challenges and on and on and on.

It wasn’t all doom.  There were some good bits peppered in between the more routine grueling year.  The sibling and I paid of our debts.  The only debt I have now is my mortgage (although I am back in my overdraft – weddings are expensive).  We did improvements to the flat over the summer and it looks nice and is up for sale.  Two family weddings – my cousin got married and the sibling got married.  Those were the main positive highlights from an otherwise bleak year.

But enough of the brief summary.  I’ll do a quick month by month synopsis below.

January 2016

Started the year in New York, returning to England about a week before my birthday.  My birthday was ok, a dinner shindig at my house and the Young Man forgets it’s my birthday.  How do I know?  No happy birthday text!  We were squabbling over something at the time but I cannot remember what right now. When we start talking again, I tell him he missed my birthday and he grovels.  We continue talking.   Disaster at work when my seemingly perfect project turns into shambles.  Not the best start to the year.

February 2016

The month of love.  For everyone else but me it appears.  The sibling’s courtship was announced to the church leaders and we are all looking forward to an upcoming June wedding for a guy in the church.  I am happy for the sibling and the other other church wedding but it is difficult not to compare situations.  The sibling and Kenzie started talking in Oct 2015 and they are in courtship/engaged.  The Young Man and I are still communicating – although fraught.  We seem to be going around the same circle with no progress.  Same circle being – talking and feeling like I am involved with someone but I am not.  It’s this I resent hence the tense exchanges.  I keep my responses shallow and at times confrontational.  This doesn’t put him off and he still texts me.  It’s also his birthday this month and though I remember, I prefer to make him suffer a little. I go for a job interview and after paying 50 something pounds for traveling at peak hours and taking a day off, I receive zero feedback.  Not even a “thanks for coming but no thanks“!!!

March 2016

Awful month for me.  Flew to Chicago along with the sibling and Kenzie for our cousin’s wedding.   Wedding was good but the entire time just highlighted how alone I was.  The sibling isolating himself with Kenzie makes me feel even worse.  I am often on the verge of tears at how hopeless my life is in comparison.  I resent the Young Man – where is he to be helping me through this difficult time.  I am struggling to smile let alone happy face.  One day during prayers with me, the sibling and Kenzie, I start to feel upset and before I know it or can stifle it, my hands cover my face and I cry.  And cry.  I tried everything to stop the tears but I couldn’t.  They both come and hug me.  The whole trip is a constant minute by minute reminder of what I don’t have and how everyone’s life is moving on. I feel hurt, used, inadequate and abandoned.  The Young Man still continues to text me and I loosely respond.  When I get back from the states, cowardgate occurs.  It started when he asked what I would tell my mum about him.   I threw the question back at him “what should I tell her?”  His response – “He is showing interest but lives faraway“.  I.am.furious.  I call him a coward.  It’s cemented there and then it’s a never for me and him and things are never the same again.  I am embarrassed that I even started talking to him, annoyed at all the time I have wasted and sad that my life has not moved forward.  Sometimes on the way to work in the mornings when I think about everything, I get so upset I have to hold back tears.

April 2016

The Young Man still continues to text me.  If I bother to respond, it’s snappy, blunt and confrontational.  Doesn’t seem to bother him. I am amazed he still continues to text me.   Almost as if nothing has happened.  It would be oh so easy to brush it all under the carpet and slip back into the old ways.  But why should I?  Either he presents me with options to consider i.e. i wanna marry you or, we move on.  Right now just feels like he wants to tie me up with no commitment.  I also wonder what my answer would be should he ask the question.  Since the beginning I have not been able to work out what I feel and it’s still no different.  Well, except the hurt I feel.  Again, at times I am walking to work in the morning and whilst thinking over things I feel sad, annoyed, ashamed and like my life is going nowhere.  Our church starts the 100 days of prayers in the evenings and this helps me focus on God and less on my issues…somewhat.

May 2016

The sibling randomly tells me him and Kenzie have set the wedding date for October.  Initially, I am annoyed he did not say anything earlier but ultimately I am happy.  Seems and feels surreal and October seems like ages away.  After I finish congratulating him, I go downstairs and I cry.  I cry and cry and cry.  I think I may have prayed as well but I remember crying a lot.  Deep wrenching sobs.  My heart aches.  Several things pass my mind that make it impossible to stop crying.  The sibling moving on, time wasting with the Young Man, no real marital prospects, just existing…one painful moment after another.  The Young Man asks me to check his thesis for his PhD application…which I do.

June 2016

One of the church brothers got married.  It was all very exciting (and a welcome distraction)planning what to wear, hair, make up etc.  I have been ignoring the Young Man’s texts for a while but on Father’s Day I send him a happy father’s day text (he doesn’t have an kids but its just a thing).  I think the wedding may have softened my resolve and demeanor.  I offer up more than curt terse, one word answers and have a bit of a conversation with him.  I can tell he is surprised and happy by all this.  Again, it feels so easy to continue as before…but I remember I deserve more so I cut it off again as suddenly as it started.    Life continues with work, home, prayers in the evening and not much else.

To be continued...

 

 

Greetings from New York…

 As per the title…I extend greetings from New York.   Upstate New York to be precise.

As per usual, I spend the (Xmas) holidays in New York with family but to be honest, I wasn’t sure I was coming over this year due to family issues, money and other stuff.  But, at the last minute, I lost my peace about staying in England and started searching for and bought a ticket last Tuesday.  I arrived on Saturday (Xmas eve) but Swiss air decided to leave my luggage in Zürich :-(.

So far, my impromptu last minute trip has been good and what I needed.  I am so glad I came and when I update you on my 2016, you will see why.  I remember waking up on Tuesday morning and feeling for the first time in a loongggg time, at peace and entirely grateful to God.

How Is Your Summer Going?

 Well firstly, I can actually ask the question because England is *gasp* actually having a summer.  Perhaps I’m over egging a tad…it has been a mishmash of lukewarm days followed by heat waves, followed by cloudy grey days, followed by let’s put the heating on days.  Nevertheless, still better than this time last year so I shall now complain!

Now to answer the question of how’s my summer going.  Reasonably to quite well.  I soooo enjoyed the Olympics! The last time they were on (obviously four years ago) was during my redundancy period and where I enjoyed a week of the (reasonably) unbiased UK coverage of the games before having to deal with hours and hours…and hours of beach volleyball, excessive commercials and limited to watching about 3 different sports where the Americans were winning.  Thanks NBC.  This being because I spent the rest of the summer in the states.  I moaned blogged about it but that was in my goodlifeconfession.com days as opposed to the current dot.wordpress days.

I generally like how us English folk go about enjoying an amazing event like the Olympics.  We don’t believe in shoving swimming and Michael Phelps down your throat but rather giving you the option to peruse what you’re interested in and what you only watch when the Olympics are on ( e.g. synchronised swimming, rhythmic gymnastics, diving etc etc etc) all this whilst enjoying the usual favourites – athletics (track and field to the yanks), tennis, gymnastics, swimming and the list goes on.

Now that’s over it’s all wedding planning for the sibling’s wedding in October and renovations to the flat.

We (‘we’ being me and the sibling) are doing the flat up so that we can sell.  I’m hoping it’s sold before the wedding. Renovations are coming on well and almost finished.  So far we have put most of our stuff in storage, painted every room and ceiling, got rid of loads of old, tired ‘decorations’ and just slowly bringing the flat up to look like it belongs in 2016 and going with that whole minimalist look.  We still need to change the carpets, change the kitchen sink and get cleaners in to scrub the mess.  Thereafter, it’s a case of putting it up on the market.

But Belle where are you going to live when the flat is sold ,I hear you ask.

Who knows?  But I will hopefully get to move out of this small town once and for all.

I’m a city girl.  I need new adventures. 🙂

A Quick Hello…

 As per the title, just stopped to say a quick hello.  It has been a manic few months since I last blogged…weddings, prayers, birthdays, meet-ups, fasting, more prayers, make-up :-), Serena winning Wimbledon – basically, life happening which means my social life improving.  No complaints from me what.so.ever.

The plus side is that I have my evenings back now so I am slowly getting back to my  normal routine pre-April which means more blogging.  You guys know how much I love to write and read your stuff too.

Plus, you would have thought me calling the Young Man a coward was the final death knell…

Nevertheless, it feels good to be back.

 

What’s Going On With The Young Man?

 I am secretly hoping he leaves soon…but we start interacting more.  Weird.

On Friday night we had the usual prayers and he was definitely different with me.  Different enough, to catch me off guard and when that happens, I go from dominant extrovert to hiding in my shell.

He got to prayers late (as usual) and sat closer to me than he would usually do.  He started off by asking if I any vapor rub with me because he was feeling cold.  “Errr no, I have hand cream” I said.  By the way who happens to just be walking around with vicks vaporub on them to attend Friday night prayers?  Not you?  Me neither.

He continued whispering to me in a jokey way throughout prayers “maybe you were sleeping that’s why you didn’t hear what was said” and stuff like that.  After a while, all I could think was, what’s going on with you and why are you talking to me?  During prayers we had to join hands with someone and pray for that person.  For the first time ever, there was no one else next to me but him.  Totally not making a big deal of it, I stood up, walked to him and stood by his side.  We held hands.  “What shall I pray for?” he playfully whispered in my ear.  “Why dont you pray for yourself “ I answered.  This was all very odd and weird.  Normally we barely say hi and now all this whispering, teasing and talking to me?

When prayers finished I stood by the door to let everyone out and lock up.  As he stepped out the door, the joking continued with him standing close to me and putting his hand in my jacket pocket and whispering to me “were you sleeping again” he asked whilst smiling.  He assumed I would sit with him on the ride  home but I wanted to catch up with my friends so sat in front of him.  When my friends got off the van, he reached between the head rests and was playing with the back of my neck.   “Why are you doing that?” I asked him.  “I just wanted to massage your neck a little, ease the muscles”.  He was referencing my horrendous neck pain from a couple of weeks ago.

I got home, thought about it all and went to bed.

Saturday was  a nice chilling out day at home and I baked vanilla macarons for the first time!  Not too bad for my first attempt but  I need to get a proper piping bag and tools because the ones I have are rudimentary at best.

On Sunday morning the Young Man called me but I missed it.  Later on in church, I was returning back to my seat (where I had left my bag) and first thing I noticed was my bag was on the floor (which I NEVER do) and…the Young Man sitting in my seat, with his head down.  Before I could process rational thought or a suitable reaction, I grabbed his arms and shoved him out of my seat!!!.  Typical of his laid back nature, he did not offer much resistance and got up and walked outside the church.  I followed him.

“Why are  you in my seat, you saw my bag there!!”

“I know, I wanted to sit there, I saw your bag there so I put it on the floor” he said.  I just looked at him while thinking I suppose that was the ONLY seat available.

He seemed a little upset so I asked if he was ok and that I saw that he called me.  “Yah, I called you, and you didn’t answer, why didn’t you answer”?  He seemed a little frustrated.  “You think I spend my Sunday mornings glued to my phone waiting for you to call me” I asked.  Immediately he laughed, in that childish playful way he does and put his head down.  “No seriously, I called you why didn’t you pick up“?  Sometimes he has a way of talking to me where the tone of his voice sounds sooooo intimate?  It’s hard to explain but it’s just his tone and the way his voice sounds. It’s playful, suggestive, teasing, knowing.  It’s sort of like if someone was around listening to him talk to me they would assume something was going on.  It makes me melt a little inside.  He was saying something else but I looked at him and decided to make everything better.  “Anyway, its’s ok” I interjected and suddenly gave him a hug and went back inside the church.  That definitely made everything better.

After service was a singles meeting for all the (yah you guessed it) singles.  It was all very exciting and everyone was looking forward to it.  I was way more playful and teasing with the Young Man than I would usually be and he was equally reciprocating.   I do enjoy teasing him – making him give up his chair so my friend the Young Lawyer could sit next to me, using my body weight so shove him out of the car seat whilst my other friend pulled his arm at the same time.  And because he is so phlegmatic and/or a gentleman, he resists for a little bit before giving in to me.  Then I start to feel a bit bad, but then I want push him further to get his reaction.   I was worried that I may have wounded his pride when my friend and I shoved him out of the car.   I wanted to text him when I got home to make sure he was ok but I didn’t.  He’s fine, I reasoned plus it’s not like he texts me when I seem upset to make sure I am ok.  So I left it and fell asleep instead.

I spent quite a lot of Monday thinking about him and wondering  why I was  thinking about him (again).  I think different things like – do I like him?  Does  he still like me? Sometimes I imagine conversations and various scenarios with him.

On Monday night the sibling and I were talking and the Young Man came up in conversation which is not unusual.  I haven’t told the sibling that the Young man likes me.  The sibling was talking about how laid back he is and he did a pretty accurate impression of him.  As he did the impression and we both laughed, I just thought to my self Belle, snap out of it and get back to your senses – you’re polar opposites and from different worlds.  What are you thinking?!?!

And then I got back to normal.

Hoping The Young Man Leaves Soon…

 For the last two weeks or so, I’ve been hoping that the Young Man goes home a little earlier than planned.  You all remember that he’s an international post grad student and was going home anyway right?  Well, he is planning on going home around Christmas but because of his job back home, may have to go much earlier.  Like October early.

I am hoping that its October.

I know it sounds bad and stuff but I promise you my intentions are reasonably noble and honourable.  He will have to leave anyway so it’s sort of like what’s the point in hanging around for another couple of months – England is not cheap especially on a student budget.

We have been speaking /texting here and there (nothing consistent), he still does the touchy feely thing when he sees me but I just feel like until he goes, this will all just hang around in the background like white noise.  And I can’t do ‘things just left in the air’ – it’s too much of a distraction.  When we talk, we don’t talk about how he feels about me (assuming he still likes me) or anything like that.  We talk generally but sort of deeply.  He would mention something and I would ask questions about him and to be fair he’s very open and honest with me.  He never rarely asks me questions though…just answers all of mine.

Since he told me how he feels about me and his previous heartbreak etc, he has distanced himself a lot.   At least that’s how it feels to me and it’s weird…I didn’t break his heart?!   Plus even if he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore or it’s a no from God to go ahead, it really doesn’t meant things have to be like this?  Nothing even happened!  You’ve trusted me enough to reveal deep personal stuff about you, why distance yourself now?

So, I guess my way of dealing with and concluding matters is for him to go.  Once he’s gone, that would be the end of all this ‘stuff’ that’s been hanging around for a couple of months.  Out of sight would be out of mind and I wont have to deal with this distraction on a weekly basis.

See, I told you my intentions behind my wishes were reasonably honourable. 🙂

From Happy To Sad…

 How Quickly Things Change?!

It hasn’t been a good week.  I’m actually surprised I am writing this considering the last two weeks have been good.  You remember how happy I was re: the job stuff I told you about last week?  Well, the happiness continued and I had a good weekend at the conference on the outskirts of London.  Nice to get away and spend some time with God and stuff.

Came into work on Monday morning and before 10am, my job role had changed.  Yet another person had left and they decided at the very last minute that all her work should be dumped on me – in addition to my duties.  “Does that mean my pay will increase” I asked , considering they’re essentially  trying to get me to do two separate roles for the salary of one.  “No , because you’re already at the higher end of the pay scale”.

Better news was forthcoming.  Later that morning I met with HR to talk about funding for my professional studies. The company wont be able to sponsor the course fees.  If I decide to take a day off during the week to study part-time, they will pro-rata my pay down to four days week.  Oh and, they can’t cast iron guarantee that the job I’ll need in two years time to qualify (assuming I study part-time) will be available because of the way the business is going due to redundancies  and [insert appropriate excuse/explanation].

So in short, after a year’s hard work and making a good impression, they’ve dumped more work on me last minute (work that doesn’t interest me and certainly not what I want to do in the long run), not increased my pay to reflect the new job responsibilities and refused to help in any sort of way with my own personal development.

I.feel.so.cheated!

I feel backed into a corner with no choice.  I feel like stuff like this constantly happens to me i.e. something seemingly good happens and then out of nowhere it turns into a nightmare.  So much so that at times (in fact a lot), when something good happens, I only tell the sibling and maybe  my friends – Privileged Princess or the Young Lawyer.  I’m scared to tell anyone else in case I have to go back with the “it hasn’t quite worked out like I thought it would” back track.

Since Monday morning I have been so annoyed, angry, upset, down, at yet another stumbling block stopping me from moving forwards!  I’m not a crier but several times this week I’ve had to forcibly and deliberately stop tears forming either at my desk or when I think about the situation.  I was getting tearful so frequently and that is definitely not like me.

Yes I get it is a company and business needs come first but hello, what about investing in personal development of staff?   After the disaster that was the last job, I have promised myself NEVER EVER to let work consume me and stress me out like it did last year.  Never!  And I am keeping that promise.  Whilst I am taking on this new role, under no circumstances will I be working late or at weekends or stressing out over work.  I will not be burdened with unrealistic working demands or expectations.  To be honest I am thinking of sticking this out till December when the credit card debt is paid and if nothing has changed, they can have my notice.  I do not want to be doing this sort of work for the rest of my life and be taken advantage off.

The work stuff aside, nothing else to report.  Haven’t seen (as expected) or spoken/text the Young Man since I last blogged about it.  The good news is I am fine about it – I am not hurt or bothered like I was before which is clearly not a good sign of how I really feel about him.  I am happy for things to go back to what they were before his declarations of liking me – when we were just hi/bye acquaintances.  I just hope when I next see him (possibly tomorrow if not over the weekend), that he doesn’t try and act like everything is normal or worse, try and make up for lost time by virtue of the fact we are both in the same place at the same time.  I.hate.that!  Let everyone just move on.