Ok so after the whole kneeling down together at the leaving party, I only managed to sleep for about four hours that night. I was shattered and fell asleep at some point between 11pm and 11:30pm but I woke up suddenly just after 3am! The memories from the party all came flooding back and I tossed and turned for a while, unable to fall into a deep sleep until of course it was time to get up. Hate when that happens.
Monday morning was fairly normal, I went to work as usual and was able to focus to some degree but I didn’t have much of an appetite. I asked my boss if I could work through lunch and leave an hour early which was cool. I just wanted the day to go quickly so I could just meet up with him. As the time was drawing closer I got that nervous excitement feeling you get when I guess you’re both nervous and excited. I didn’t know what was going to happen, what to expect, what we would talk about…it was all up in the air. I desperately tried not to get too excited in case for some reason it was cancelled. It’s happened a couple of times in the past and the crushing feeling of disappointment I get is not the good life.
Got home, made a green smoothie (just so I at least had some sort of substance in my belly), showered and got dressed. The skirt and top outfit I had mentally picked out was totally unsuitable so I decided on my black and purple colour block dress. Another spray of perfume and I was out the door at 19:35. I called him to find out where he was and he was already in town. Hmmmm well that’s good, I thought. He was doing some last minute gift shopping to take back and asked me to choose somewhere where he could meet me.
I chose Bill’s restaurant.
Not too formal and overwhelming, but not too casual. I didn’t want somewhere too intimate and romantic, but I wanted somewhere where we could chat, food was good and was generally comfortable and relaxing.
When he arrived, I stood up to say hi. He hugged me and I felt his arm go around my lower back, he apologised for being late and he kissed me on the cheek. Wasn’t expecting that, but I feel the familiar flutter at the pit of my stomach.
“I really like your dress, I haven’t seen you wear this one before” he says as we sit down. “I have, I think at the conference” I say. “I don’t remember but you really look nice” he continues. I start to feel embarrassed, “Stop talking about my dress I am getting embarrassed” I say and I cross my arms across my chest in that self-conscious way. I love attention but then I sort of don’t know how to handle too much of it. Awkward I know.
The two seater table is tiny and both of us are tall. I had moved his seat position from opposite me (too intimate plus I prefer him closer) to my left. Another bonus aside from proximity is that it hides him away from my awful neck lump which I am getting more self conscious about. He showed me some of the things he bought in town for his family and I see another leaving card and gift as I look through. Popular, isn’t he?
Neither of us are particular hungry but we agree to share a meal. We are so engrossed in our conversation that it takes ages for us to order. I let him do the choosing and ordering and he goes for the Buttermilk chicken burger and sweet potato fries. Not what I would have chosen (aren’t burgers for 5 year olds?) but, I was curious what he would choose.
But back to the conversation of which naturally I cannot remember everything. We talked about everything – but you knew I would say that. As we talk I notice how intently he looks at me and listens to my opinions when I am talking. He is quite touchy feely as always, holding and touching my hands, stroking my back,….all very nice. Very nice ;-). I could feel the same old stomach flutterings as usual but way more intense.
The conversation was flowing, there was no awkwardness, he was touchy feely and I was ok with that. At times I did notice that I was starting to touch his hands and stuff when talking, when I realised what I was doing, I would move my hand away.
I tell him how hurt I felt when he distanced himself from me and we were barely talking. “Even if it was a no, or you no longer liked me, we could still be friends. I thought you stopped liking me”. He explained why – he deliberately held back and distanced himself because he had to think things through. What would happen when he moves back home with the distance between us, did he like me for me or what he could get, was it more than just attraction and loads of stuff. He said he had to think things through and that’s what he did during that time. Plus he had to focus on his post-grad studies too which was uber stressful.
Our food arrived at some point. I cut the burger in half and divided the sweet potato fries. He tried to feed me the sweet potato fries on his plate. I refused to bite. Why do guys do that to me? Every single time they try and feed me. Must be some sort of guy thing?
“How do you feel about me?” I ask him.
“I like you. I really really like you. I really…” and then his voice sort of catches, he stops and looks down at the table and he doesn’t say anything for a bit. He is getting choked up! “Ohhh Young Man, it’s ok don’t cry” I say and I start to feel bad that he feels so sad. I move my chair closer to him.
We stay sitting close for a while, I’m desperately trying to offer some sort of comfort to make him feel better. Eventually he is ok but we remain close. He holds my hand and says “how can I just leave you behind, I really like you”. “Why didn’t you tell me? All this time I thought you didn’t like me, I had no idea you felt this deeply” I say. He says he would have told me, just wanted the perfect time.
The restaurant empties, they clear our plates and we order dessert just to stay a bit longer. When the brownie and ice cream dessert arrives, we both look at it and clearly have no appetite for it. I play with the ice cream. I love chocolate but this must be a first where I let a brownie go without absolutely demolishing it. He eats a bit of it and of course tries to feed me. I shake my head and say no, and he smiles. 🙂
He asks if I feel peace about him and I say yeah I guess so. He asks whether I would be able to handle a long distance thing and we spend sometime talking about this. He asks in a long-winded way how I feel about him. “I don’t know” is what I say. “I would never have thought I was your type or vice versa, but since you’ve told me, I can’t get it out of my head. It’s just always there and sometimes I think yes then other times I think no. But, I’m here with you now and it bothered me when we were not talking“.
“What do you think” I ask him.
“I think you’re trying to suppress it and keep it back” he says.
I still can’t say I like him. But I obviously do? Maybe I don’t want to like him? Maybe because he is just not my usual type and what I am expecting or looking for, I just don’t want to like him or him to be the one? Who knows?!?!
We take some selfies together which was nice.
The restaurant staff are cleaning up, we are the only ones left and its more than obvious that its time to leave. As we walk along through town we hold hands, our fingers interlocked and just chatting away. I feel more than gentle fluttering and stirrings in my belly but I don’t care.
When we get to the taxi rank spot we stop. Time for goodbyes. We talk, joke, whisper, hug, break apart, hug and continue doing this for a while. As we hugged goodbye for what seemed like the last time he says “I love you”.
“You love me? You wait until now to tell me?” I ask. He laughs that cute baby sounding laugh he does. “Words are important to you aren’t they” he says.
“Yes, especially when there’s a huge difference between like and love” I laugh.
“I deeply like you, I love you” he says. We laugh, we hug, we take more selfies. We (eventually) say good bye.
When I get in he whatsapp me to check if I was home. We whatsapp for a bit – nothing heavy just general chit chat about the evening and I send him our selfies. I fell asleep after 1 am and I slept deeply, until I woke up at at 5:14 am. Why do I keep waking up after 4 hours sleep? The memories and feelings flooded back immediately and I tossed and turned for a bit, thinking about the evening.
I told the Young Man at dinner that whilst a situation is happening I can process it rationally and logically, its only afterwards that my feelings about said situation will hit me. I can process that he is going but it will be afterwards that my feelings will really hit me. The morning after, whilst at work it started. I just suddenly felt a sense of loss and a desire to be close to him again. I whatsapp him just before 9:30am saying “the reality is hitting me now…and you haven’t even left yet”. He text me back but I don’t think he fully understood what I meant.
The Good Life Confessions 